"I Want to Go Home": The First Weeks After a Move

Lilisity · September 28, 2026

You did the hard thing. You toured, you decided, you packed the photos and the favorite chair, and you moved your parent into assisted living or memory care. Then the phone rings.

"I want to go home." "Come get me." "I hate it here. Why did you do this to me?"

Few things hurt more. It's easy to hear those words as proof you made a mistake. Usually, they're proof that your parent is going through a big change, and that change takes time.

This guide covers what "I want to go home" often means, what to say (and not say) on those calls, and how to tell ordinary week-one sadness from signs that you should call the nurse.

What "home" often means

For a person with dementia especially, "I want to go home" may not be about an address. Sometimes "home" is the house they just left. But often it's a feeling: safe, comfortable, in charge, somewhere that makes sense. It can even be a childhood home or a time in life that's long past.

That's why facts rarely help. You can explain that the house is sold, that the doctor said it wasn't safe, that this is her apartment now. It's all true, and it usually makes things worse, because it doesn't touch the feeling underneath.

The Alzheimer's Association lists "moving to a new residence or nursing home" as a common trigger for anxiety and agitation. Its advice: "Listen to the frustration," reassure with words like "You're safe here," and do not "argue with the person." The Family Caregiver Alliance puts it this way: "Stay focused on the feelings they are demonstrating (which are real)."

Even if your parent doesn't have dementia, the same approach works. A grown adult who just gave up a house and a lifetime of routines has real grief. Arguing with grief never wins.

What to say, and what to skip

When you hear "I want to go home":

After you've listened and acknowledged the feeling, gently redirect: to a photo, a song, a snack, a walk, or something happening that afternoon. The Family Caregiver Alliance gives a model for this: "I see you're feeling sad. I'm sorry you're upset. Let's go get something to eat."

The "come get me" phone call

Many families describe that first call as feeling like a child's first call home from summer camp. It can come every night for a while.

Three moves that help:

1. Name the feeling. "You sound frustrated, Mom. It's been a long day."
2. Point to something close. "Dinner's in half an hour. I heard it's the pot roast tonight."
3. Give a specific next visit. "I'll be there Saturday morning, and I'll bring the good coffee."

And two to avoid:

• Don't argue about whether she needs to be there. You won't win on the phone, and you'll both hang up upset.
• Don't make promises you can't keep, like "Next week you can come home." A broken promise costs trust.

A composite example, not a real call:

Dad: Come pick me up. I'm done with this place. Son: Sounds like a rough day, Dad. What happened? Dad: The food's cold, nobody here knows me. Son: That's hard. It's new, and new is hard. I'm coming Thursday after work. Want me to bring the crossword book? Dad: ...Bring a pen too.

It's fine to keep calls short. It's also fine to let the staff know the calls are hard. They've seen this before and may have ideas, like a call at a time of day when your parent is calmer.

How long does adjusting take?

There's no single timeline. Families in caregiver forums commonly describe it taking weeks, and sometimes a couple of months, with calls that start daily and taper off. Many also describe a moment when they visit and find their parent laughing with an aide or eating a full plate, then complaining again as soon as they see family.

Some communities suggest limiting visits for the first couple of weeks. Others don't. Ask the staff what they recommend and why, and decide together. You can visit less and still stay informed: ask for a check-in call from the care team after the first week.

Normal in week one, or a reason to call the nurse?

Sadness, anger, and homesickness are expected. Some changes are not, and deserve a same-day call to the nurse.

Sudden confusion deserves special attention. Mayo Clinic notes that delirium, a sudden change in thinking that comes on over hours or days, can be caused by things like urinary tract infections, medicine side effects, or not getting enough fluids, and says to tell the nursing staff "right away" if you notice symptoms in someone living in a care setting. And the CDC notes that "falling once doubles your chances of falling again," so every fall is worth a follow-up conversation.

A calm way to raise a concern:

"Hi, this is Mom's daughter. I'm calling because I noticed she seemed much more confused on the phone last night than she's been. Can someone check on her today and call me back? Could it be worth checking for an infection?"

Specific, kind, and clear about what you're asking for. That's the script for all of these.

Save this: first-weeks checklist

• Listen for the feeling behind "I want to go home"
• Don't argue, don't correct, don't promise what you can't keep
• Name the feeling, point to something soon, give a specific next visit
• Ask the care team for a check-in call after week one
• Call the nurse the same day for sudden confusion, a fall, not eating or drinking, or missed medications
• Take care of yourself, too. The guilt is normal, and it isn't proof of a mistake

Choosing a place you'll feel good about

The first weeks are easier when you trust the people on the other end of the phone. In Senior Living Alliance's recorded phone interviews with residents and families (16,397 surveys, September 2025 to September 2026), approved positive testimonials most often mentioned staff (83%), management (67%), and feeling safe (67%). On the concern side, care accounted for 13% of 22,911 concerns, and communication with family was one of its main themes.

If you're still choosing, Lilisity is free for families. Compare communities and read verified reviews from residents and families about how staff communicate, how new residents settle in, and whether people feel at home.

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